This week in Ask Joystiq Nintendo, unfortunately, is all about stuff that just isn't going to happen. The DS might have gotten a browser update with the DSi, but the update wasn't in the area people really wanted.

In the process of discussing your questions (which you can send to us by email at asknintendo AT joystiq DOT com!), we also reveal that I am a fossil.

This week in Ask Joystiq Nintendo, we deal mostly with issues relating to the DS and the Internet -- how to get online with a DS system, and interfacing with the Internet once you get there. We also start the Countdown to New DSi Colors, for the benefit of those of you who are somehow unsatisfied with the blue DSi (or the Gyakuten Kenji white DSi).

Do you have a question for the sages experts dudes at Joystiq Nintendo? Simply email your query to asknintendo AT joystiq DOT com, and we will stare at it until an answer becomes apparent!

Back in the days when the DSi was young (November), Eric demonstrated how slowly the system's browser operated, documenting the agonizing process of trying to read DS Fanboy on the device. Agonizing only in that it took a long time, we must clarify -- reading any incarnation of our site is a soothing and life-affirming experience, of course. But how much more or less agonizing is the process on the DSi browser than on the DS/DS Lite Opera browser? DotEd of the Opera N+ blog did a comparative speed test to find out.

According to science (i.e. the one test seen in the video after the break), the DSi's browser loads the New York Times site much quicker than the DS Lite version; even better, it loads the text first, so you can read even while images are coming in. The browser on the DSi will end up getting a lot more use than the other one (on account of being free and not requiring two separate cartridges), so it's kind of nice that it actually works better.

[Thanks, Fernando!]

We're sure that a gigantic portion of our readership has a boundless love for two seemingly unrelated items: Nintendo DS adventure games, and the opera (staged musicals, that is, not the web browser). This large, imaginary group of people will likely flip their imaginary lids when they hear that Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney will be making it's theatrical debut in Japan in the form of an Ace Attorney Opera.

The production is being performed by the Takarazuka Revue, an all-female troupe, raising some ponder-worthy questions about the girlification of the game's heavily-bearded Judge. According to the Revue's producer, the troupe is currently finishing up rehearsals and should be ready to harmonize their "Objections!" in front of a crowd by the end of February.

So, uh, we guess that bit about the updated Internet Channel being done and on the way out the door was spurious after all. Awesome. We're basing that evaluation on two pieces of evidence: first, December came and went; and second, Opera has just now announced a new version of their software development kit for "devices" (as in, not computers). And if Nintendo is just now getting the updated tools, we can expect to wait for a new version of the browser. If Nintendo finished a new version already and Opera just now released an updated SDK, then, uh, there are some grumpy programmers over at Nintendo right now.

The new SDK includes Opera Link, which lets users create persistent bookmarks and Speed Dial nodes, which means Wii users could update their bookmarks and such in a less annoying interface. It also includes an updated version of Opera Zoom, for smoother zooming and panning. What it doesn't include is Flash -- updating the Flash Player SDK is Adobe's business.

According to a business statistics group, Market Share, the PS3 delivers more web traffic than the much more popular Wii. Stats put the PS3 at a 0.04 share of the overall internet market, with the Wii trailing behind at 0.01. With more Wii consoles out there than PS3s, and a superior method of browsing (controller vs. Wiimote, Wiimote wins), we're a tad bit shocked.

Of course, one must take into account the fact that the Wii's web browser is no longer free. For a large part of the console's first year on the market it was, so that likely has a lot to do with how many folks are using their console to surf the web. The PS3's browser has always been absolutely free.

How many of you use your Wii to cruise the seedy backstreets of this intertron we all know and love?

The Internet Channel will finally receive a significant update next month, according to GameReactor Magazine. We haven't been able to find the exact location of this item in GameReactor, so we're currently relying on GoNintendo's summary.

The new version will support the WiiSpeak microphone in some unknown capacity. It will finally allow tabbed browsing in the form of an exceptionally wacky Tab Cube, each side of which shows a tab. It'll also include the ability to check your Wii messages from inside the browser interface. On top of that, the browser has been updated with big, ugly navigation buttons.

The new browser will probably be a free update for current Internet Channel owners, and 500 points for everyone else.

Yes, several other outlets have already posted their unboxing photos and first impressions of the Nintendo DSi, but we've put together our own article documenting the imported system's arrival, as we have a few new things that we can share with you, those things being:

• Photos of a cat stalking the box while we unearthed the DSi
• Surprises that we didn't expect with the DSi
• Video of us trying to load DS Fanboy on the DSi's new Browser
• Video of DSi Sound's 14 music visualizers
• Music from a renowned Wu-tang Clan rapper

All of that, past the post break!

It's been awhile since we talked about the Opera browser for the Wii. How often do you use the Internet Channel? We know some of you use it to participate in Game Night, which is awesome, but how else do you enjoy the console's ability to surf the interwebs? Did you get a Wii too late to get the Internet Channel for free? Hate the browser? Love it? Tell us already!

The Internet Channel sits there in the Wii Menu with all the other loser channels (as in, all the ones that aren't River City Ransom), just waiting to accidentally be opened when you try to open River City Ransom. Or ... do you use the thing? We know you're not using it to watch TV shows on Hulu, unfortunately, because we tried. We're region-locked out of the BBC iPlayer, as well.

If you are actively Channeling some Internet through your Wii, what are you using it for? Occasional email checking? Obsessive awesome Wii blog checking? Italian Spiderman?

It still puzzles us that the BBC was so keen to make its (admittedly excellent and very popular) iPlayer catch-up service compatible with the Wii. Are there really that many Wii owners out there with internet-ready PCs who would opt to use the service on the Wii's slightly clunky Opera browser? Why not just use your PC to watch the latest editions of Gavin & Stacey and The Apprentice? You know: the one you're using to read these words, right at this very second?

Not only that, but the iPlayer on the Wii is hardly user-friendly. Text is so small that it's almost unreadable, loading times are hardly ideal, and the low resolution of the Wii's browser makes navigation awkward. Cue the intervention of WiiPlayer, a hacked version of the iPlayer that has been optimized for Nintendo's console, and is now available for use at http://defaced.co.uk/wiiplayer.

It won't work on your PC, and it goes without saying you'll still have to reside in the UK to use this, but WiiPlayer does do a sterling job, replacing the iPlayer's teensy text and browser-taxing layout with pleasingly chunky, Wiimote-friendly icons and a cleaner, less cluttered appearance.


[Via Tech Digest]

Personally, we can't remember the last time we were in a McDonald's, so this news comes as, uh, well ... news to us. You see, the partnership between McDonald's and Wayport actually expired back in November of last year. Canadians are also up the same creek without a paddle, as the deal with Fatport also expired. This is not to say you can't still get online at McDonald's, it'll just take a bit more for you to get online with your DS.

Apparently, using the DS Opera Browser or a wi-fi dongle with a laptop will still allow you to get your DS online. But, as one might imagine, these alternatives aren't the best. Unless you go with the second choice, you won't even be able to enjoy a game online. Oh well, if it forces you to get wireless internet in your home, it can't be all that bad of a thing, right?

Those of us too cheap to buy DVRs love that most TV networks offer their programming online -- after all, we'd hate to tell our friends that we couldn't hang out on a Friday night because we had to watch BSG. Even so, we prefer to watch TV on actual televisions rather than computer screens. The Wii seems like a perfect way to compromise this, but until Adobe releases a Flash upgrade on their software development kit, it's not going to happen.

We already know that a lot of you use your Wii's Opera browser, but what do you think of it? Are there any limitations you've noticed besides the Flash issue? What other improvements do you think Opera could make? And are there any games or applications that you find perfect for Wii browsing?

Now we know what makes you people tick: the BBC. Our inboxes (and comments) have been flooded with news about the BBC iPlayer in one of our most-tipped stories ever.

If you're one of the five people who didn't send us this tip and don't know what's up, the BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) announced today that their iPlayer, which allows viewers to catch up with BBC shows online, is now compatible with the Wii. And yes, that means you'll be able to watch Dr. Who, EastEnders, and other such programmes on your TV to your tea-drinking heart's content.

Should this venture by the BBC become successful (which we think it will -- after the news was announced, the number of people using the iPlayer rose significantly), we wouldn't be surprised to see other major networks adopt their services to Nintendo's console.

That's not to say that the BBC isn't running into some problems with the idea, though. Right now, the network is quarreling with ISPs over who should pay the extra service costs. Even so, the player can be used as soon as today, with more polished video quality promised in the future. You'll probably also be relieved to know that the service is free, although it will cost you money to download Nintendo's internet channel if you haven't done so already.

The other catch? The BBC iPlayer is only available in the UK, for the time being, but BBC Worldwide is apparently working on getting an international player up and running.

[Via TVSquad; thanks to everyone who sent this in!]

It's been awhile since we talked about the Opera browser on the Wii. Maybe because it's been a long time since the thing was free, as anyone interested in surfing the tubes of the interweb on their Wii now has to dish out the monies. Or, maybe it's because we haven't used it in awhile ourselves, as our current lot in life has us chained to a laptop until we die from blogging.

Are you actively hitting the net on your Wii? If so, is it your primary means of reading Wii Fanboy? When was the last time you used the browser? Did you have to pay for it, or did you nab it back when it was free?