Bury the Shovelware: Elf Bowling 1 & 2

by Kaes Delgrego { Dec 24th 2008 at 2:30PM }

It's Christmas Eve, and Santa has come a little early. But apparently we've all been very terrible, for there exists a gift far worse than coal. In fact, coal seems downright awesome compared to this. After all, it's flammable. I am being utterly sincere when I say that I would much rather play Cake Mania 2 than this pile of reindeer droppings.

Pedigree

Elf Bowling 1 & 2 shares the same developer and publisher: Ignition Entertainment. A quick scan of their products page shows a great diversity in games. Notably but understandably missing is this game. It's difficult to comprehend the fact that the same resources which gave us the excellent and underrated Mercury Meltdown Revolution are also responsible for Elf Bowling 1 & 2. The company also published Metal Slug 7 in North America.

The Critics Said ...

Metacritic is a great tool to use when I determine the critics' reception of a game for this series. I've referenced the bottom of the list before. According to the "Index of Nintendo DS Game Reviews by Score" page, the worst-received game for the DS is Deal or No Deal with a metascore of 17. Yet Elf Bowling for the DS manages to do that 5 points better -- err, worse -- with a metascore of 12. Why it doesn't appear on the list is because it only contains four reviews and five are needed to appear on the grand tally. The four critics that did review Elf Bowling (the poor, poor souls) are all fairly consistent in stating that this game is the suck.

Rap Sheet

What's the intro for Elf Bowling, you ask? Why, it's three elves singing "elf, elf, baby." EPIC FAIL. Actually, this isn't quite a fail. It's way too weird. There's no music in the background, the animation is really disturbing, and they randomly stop singing -- no, chanting -- "elf, elf baby" to giggle and make flatulence noises. This is more of an epic weird.
This is awful. As in putrid. This is worse than one of those idiotic games you see in Flash banner ads. This is man's inhumanity to man. The only good thing to come from this game is that I suddenly have a craving to play Wii Sports bowling.
NOO! I let the DS sit open with the game running while I wrote a note down, and the elf pins once again started chanting "elf, elf, baby." Guess what song will be playing in my nightmares tonight?
There's no way to quit a game! I'm forced to play through all 10 frames in order to get back to the menu and try the other "game" (which is apparently a loosely-defined term in this instance). I can't take anymore after the 6th frame and I reset my DS.
Disappointed with Elf Bowling? No worries, this DS card contains the riveting sequel: Elves in Paradise. Here, it's shuffleboard instead of bowling. Oh, and it's a tropical theme. Oh, and the ELVES ARE WEARING SPEEDOS. Run. Run as fast as you can.

Silver Lining

Nah.

Our Deduction

My thoughts tend to border on incoherent nonsense, as even the most insignificant and terrible game can lead me to a lengthy rant about something vaguely related. But this game is like being smacked over the head with a frying pan. And not in the funny cartoon sort of way, where you grow a tall lump out of your head while birds or stars circle above you. No, this is like walking up to your friend and clobbering him or her atop their skull with an actual frying pan. They'd probably suffer a concussion and just be really, really out of it.

That's the feeling I'm left with after playing this game. It's just complete and utter "WHY?" At least it can't get worse than this. Oh wait, yes it can.

In gaming, the term shovelware refers to any game in which time and effort were eschewed in favor of turning a quick profit. Bury the Shovelware takes a closer look at these titles, typically those that inhabit the lower end of metascores. It attempts to: 1) find out where and how the developer went wrong 2) identify common traits present in most shovelware 3) measure how long the game can be suffered.

Tags: elf, elf-bowling, ignition entertainment, ignition-entertainment, ignitionentertainment, joystiqfeatures, shovelware

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

SephFinale @ Dec 24th 2008 4:54PM

I think this is the first Bury the Shovelware I've ever read...and I laughed, because I found it funny. Has this game become the new Superman 64?

S3ph @ Dec 24th 2008 5:12PM

Does anyone know how many copies Elf Bowling actually managed to sell? Did retailers even HAVE copies? Were the guys over at Ignition high on narcotics when they made this game?... Anyone?

Also, you have GOT to be kidding me on that last link. O_O

Mr Khan @ Dec 24th 2008 6:01PM

The irritating chanting is obviously an incentive for you to kick as many of their elf-asses as you can once you get on the lanes

warioswoods2 @ Dec 24th 2008 6:02PM

The existence of games like this makes we wish Nintendo would actually be even harsher towards 3rd party developers. I know that they are cautious given the general perception that there is a drought of good 3rd party support, but even if it were to halve the number of publishers, this is what they should do: implement draconian quality control. Have Nintendo employees play test every title before allowing it to be released with the Nintendo seal, and if it is anything less than fully polished with spot-on controls and enough content for the price tag, send them back to the drawing board. I don't care if the Wii and DS aisles are half the size, it would still be a net win for every title to be worth purchasing.

critter42 @ Dec 24th 2008 7:11PM

So, is this a port or a rewrite of the Windows' versions?

NekoDaimyo @ Dec 24th 2008 10:03PM

Gotta be a port of the windows tripe.

andyscout42 @ Dec 24th 2008 9:10PM

"This is worse than one of those idiotic games you see in Flash banner ads."

You do realize, Elf Bowling started out as an online flash game (much like the previously ported N and Line Rider), right?

ernest @ Dec 24th 2008 10:22PM

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/rom-pit/

Read and model your posts after pl0x. Much more entertaining lampooning.

Matias @ Dec 25th 2008 3:29PM

Funy review this week, specially the last point in the rap sheet.

This have a movie?! I have to watch it, jut for the lulz.

And I dunno why companies keep releasing sequels of bad titles, and even worse, why did they put it on the same cartridge?

Robert27 @ Dec 29th 2008 2:27PM

I love the "Pedigree" part, please use it always!

Rez Delnava @ Dec 30th 2008 8:07AM

Oh, and it could be far worse too.... NStorm, (the people who made the original flash version) made a third elf bowling game. This one places the elfs as lawn darts which are unceremoniously fired via a make-shit slingshot crafted from Mrs. Clause's bra (if i remember the intro to that one correctly).

Sadly, i must admit to playing these travesties...heavens forgive my naivety, bur this was 12 years ago (i was 9) and fart jokes still had humor.