Bury the Shovelware: Deal or No Deal

by Kaes Delgrego { Jul 30th 2008 at 10:34AM }

To learn all there is about something, you sometimes need to go to the extremes. For shovelware, we are about to boldly trek into the eye of the storm. Deal or No Deal has the lowest aggregate score according to Metacritic, narrowly edging out Homie Rollerz. But we need to give it a fair chance. We can't succumb to the self-fulfilling prophecy. And besides, as a poster hanging in my high school English teacher's classroom profoundly stated, "what is right is not always popular, and what is popular is not always right." Indeed, just because one nerd hates Castlevania 2 doesn't mean you should automatically define it as a bad game. Okay, I can't fluff this anymore: Deal or No Deal for the DS isn't as crappy as you expected. It's crappier.

00:00:00 - The very first thing to load is a lengthy disclaimer informing the user that there is no money to be won. Seriously, Destination Software? Will the next Grand Theft Auto title inform me in-game that there are no real hookers to be beaten?

00:00:15 - My options: "TV Game," "Vault Game," and "High Low." Things are looking grim. I'll start with "TV Game."

00:00:24 - ROBO-MANDEL IS HUNGRY FOR BLOOD AND GAMES OF CHANCE! Indeed, the onscreen representation of Deal of No Deal host Howie Mandel is quite ... lumbering. For once, I would have rather suffered through a text introduction.

00:00:40 - "Now it's time to introduce you to my better half. Actually, 26 of my better halves!" Someone forgot to bring the funny. "First, we will choose a case. The bank will make you a deal ... " Yeah yeah, ROBO-MANDEL, we've all seen you stretch four minutes of content into a 30 minute television show. We understand how it works.

00:01:14 - I'm given the opportunity to choose a case. So I guess this is it. You know, I really should have thought this through. There can't be a game in here. This is drawing straws. This is picking cards out of a deck at random. This is asininity! Maybe the fun is hiding in one of the other options. Let's quit and check out "Vault Game."

00:01:20 - "You need to find the three cases (in the correct order) that unlock the vault door." So the gameplay here is to pick three of the 26 numbers, and if you're wrong, the game says "that is too high" or "that is too low." And that's it. SERIOUSLY?!

00:01:34 - The third and final option: "HIGH LOW." Maybe there's more to it than it sounds! Oh wait, there's less.

00:01:48 - And we have a new record.

One question that I've been pondering often throughout this series is "does the fault of shovelware lie more with the developer or the publisher?" Here, it's really hard to tell. The whole thing is such a boring, awful abomination that it's like trying to determine which driver was at fault in a car accident where the two cars burst into a gigantic flaming explosion and all that's left is a single pile of finely ground ashes. Maybe that's a bit extreme. The game isn't laughably awful, it's just lacking any kind of response at all. It's hideously boring. Indeed, the people who appear to be the most frustrated in life aren't the ones dealing with awful situations. Rather, it's the ones who experience a complete lack of passion and feeling from anything, good or bad. You know, I've tried to find something nice to say about all of the previous shovelware. In all honesty, it's really tough for Deal or No Deal. Ahmm ... perhaps it's good that they're using actual recordings of Howie Mandel? Err ... the game loaded on the first try? Ooh, I've got it: given the choice between playing Deal or No Deal or being stabbed in the eye, I would likely pick the former. That's as nice as it's going to get.

In gaming, the term shovelware refers to any game in which time and effort were eschewed in favor of turning a quick profit. Kaes Delgrego's Bury the Shovelware takes a closer look at these titles, typically those that inhabit the lower end of metascores. It attempts to: 1) find out where and how the developer went wrong 2) identify common traits present in most shovelware 3) measure how long the game can be suffered.

Tags: deal-or-no-deal, destination-software, game-show, howie-mandel, joystiqfeatures, shovelware

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Dan @ Jul 30th 2008 12:12PM

You obviously haven't played the uk version. It's worse.

fdisk_format @ Jul 30th 2008 12:17PM

I tried the game in store (yes, they were using this awful piece of crap as a DEMO!) and it took me all of twelve seconds of craptacular play time to take the deal. Walking away having only lost 12 seconds was a Great Deal.

Ashley @ Jul 30th 2008 5:28PM

LOL.

John Z @ Jul 30th 2008 12:33PM

Most impressive. Good write-up.

I sincerely hope that Wiffle Ball DS is on the list at some point in the Cavalcade of Shame.

Kaes Delgrego @ Jul 30th 2008 1:35PM

You'll be happy to know that Wiffe Ball DS is on my queue. Thanks for the suggestion!

Omar @ Jul 30th 2008 1:56PM

I think your job as a website is rather to "unbury" titles that are worth being mentioned. Everytime a bad title gets reviewed, a good title is moving down from the view and its exposure is reduced.

Ashley @ Jul 30th 2008 6:19PM

I disagree. I come here daily and it's pretty easy to figure out where the good ones are when you read their reviews and then the comments once they FINALLY release. (I'm looking at you, Namco!)

I like reading these because then I know which impulse purchases not to make for my family, who has the extra DS ... but doesn't share my taste in RPGs. My grandmother, for instance, like Crossword puzzles and gameshows.

Omar @ Jul 31st 2008 5:50AM

Ashley: many games are bombing are retail just because they haven't got enough exposure time. A good review isn't enough to sell a game, it need exposure. Website should be constructed in a way that good products appears for a longer period in main page listing.
I'm not saying that bad games should be ignored, but their exposure should be reduced compared to good games. Else you are only playing hands in hands with the idea that MARKETTING above QUALITY sells a game.

Charizard @ Jul 30th 2008 2:56PM

One important thing you failed to mention is how the game handles the randomization.

If you play multiple rounds without turning the system off, the game randomizes the cash values, but once you shut it down, the money goes back. Briefcase 3 always has the million, and Briefcase 13 always had the penny.