The VC Advantage: It's a secret to everybody

by JC Fletcher { Jul 9th 2008 at 9:00PM }

Everyone's familiar with this sight: after burning down the right shrub or bombing the right section of a rock face in The Legend of Zelda, Link meets a Moblin hiding in a cave, who makes an offering of Rupees and warning Link that "IT'S A SECRET TO EVERYBODY." For years, we accepted the situation without thinking about it. "Of course he wants to keep it a secret," we thought. "Ganon would be totally steamed if he found out some Moblins were helping Link out."

But that assumption fails to explain all the aspects of this exchange that remain a secret to everybody.

The biggest SECRET to us is: how the heck did that Moblin get down there? In many cases, you have to bomb through solid rock to find him. Does he have a secret entrance elsewhere? Or has he been imprisoned in stone magically? If so, how did he have air to breathe and keep those two flames going? Are these Moblins the Hylian equivalent of a toad sealed in stone? If so, Link can't help but keep the circumstances of their predicament a secret, because he wouldn't actually know how that happened.

If it's not the nature of the hideout, maybe it's the location. The Moblin could be avoiding creditors by living in hiding -- in which case his unbidden payoff of Link provides further evidence of financial irresponsibility. If the Moblin had thought about the situation for a minute, or even just asked Link, he would have found out that not only is our hero not going to go blab to Ganon or the credit card company because of his integrity, he's also mute.

Or is the secret the passing of money? This is the obvious choice. "Don't tell anyone I gave you this." We assume, then, that the Moblin has some reason for helping Link defeat Ganon. We suspect that the Moblins resent Ganon for taking on the appearance of a giant, obese Moblin. Or maybe the cave-dwelling Moblin wants Link to go get him some cigarettes, but never finishes the request due to Link taking off with the money. "It's a secret to everyone, okay? I don't want my wife to find out I haven't quit yet."
That doesn't even begin to explain, however, the shops hidden under trees, bushes, and rocks. That is just a terrible business plan. Those guys are lucky that there's a rampaging elf-boy roaming the countryside setting random fires.

I BET YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE MORE VC ADVANTAGES.

Tags: its-a-secret-to-everybody, nes, zelda

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

bc @ Jul 9th 2008 9:28PM

"The Moblin could be avoiding creditors"...I lost it right there! Best. Series. Ever.

Jace @ Jul 10th 2008 4:18PM

I've always misunderstood (well, probably) this phrase as a cryptic oxymoron, like "it's a secret that everyone knows." If everyone knows it, is it a secret? What IS "it"?

Cool article.

TJF588 @ Jul 10th 2008 8:21PM

The "it" itself is a secret, yet everyone knows that "it" is a secret, so that it's a secret isn't a sceret, but what "it" actually is, that is a secret unto itslef.

This bit of thinking that you weren't gonna have fun with this turned into something akin to mentalbation. I applaud you, sir!

TJF588 @ Jul 12th 2008 2:12AM

My apologies: I got yours and Edge's comments a bit mashed in my head. Still, the near-braingasm was noice.

RetroWizard @ Jul 10th 2008 1:14AM

It's a magical Moblin!! =)

Josh @ Jul 9th 2008 10:28PM

Amazing!

And WTF at those animals "sealed in stone", especially the pterodactyl one. O.o...

Josh @ Jul 9th 2008 10:30PM

Er, nevermind:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pterodactyl#Living_pterosaur_hoax

Tom @ Jul 9th 2008 10:44PM

I think you may need to rethink that "he's mute" theory... In only a few short "seasons" Link would learn to say "I found a mirror under a table!" in Zelda II: Adventure of Link.

Funny post though. Maybe the Moblin is just paying Link for freeing him when his home caved in or a tree magically grew up while he was taking a nap...

Shadow31 @ Jul 9th 2008 10:46PM

...L...M...A...O...

That was awesome. I will think of this every time I find that moblin, now.

TheOverlord#2 can has Animals Crossing? @ Jul 10th 2008 1:23AM

Not much of a secret to everybody now, is it?
Hope that you know an innocent Moblin will be killed because of this article!
:P

Polecat @ Jul 10th 2008 1:43AM

In a sad SAD moment of 'Seeing and not being able to Unsee.', I was subjected to a short rather pornish interpretation of this exchange....even washing my eyes did not help me.

Jon @ Jul 10th 2008 1:57AM

I've got this one.
I'm paraphrasing (obviously), but there's this theory that basically says if you were able to transport to any random place in the world, it would be dangerous because of the chance that you could wind up stuck inside a rock, or something of the sort.
So, another explanation could be that that was what happened, and the moblin gave Link the rupees for setting him free. It would also have to be kept a secret because I'm sure it would be kind of embarrassing to get killed first off, and then end up re-spawning inside a rock on top of that.